TaupeOpera

BLOAP#19: Sex and Sheldon

Zora walked into Wills apartment, she was tired and wanted the chicken and dumplings that Will was making for dinner.  Zora walked down the long hallway and passed a woman heading for the door, she was barely dressed and her hair was in disarray.  Zora barely looked at her as she walked into the kitchen; there were pots and pans bubbling on the stove.  Will was setting the table, “Hey sis, grab the bottle of wine and open it will ya.”   Zora poured a glass, “How do you do it bro, where do you get the energy, how do you keep them straight?” “It’s a gift, anyway don’t get on your high horse with me peaches, I’m not the one who yelled out the name of my accountant during sex.

Zora glared at Will, “I thought we weren’t going to ever discuss that again, why did I ever tell you?”  Will laughed, “You didn’t have to tell me, we were roommates remember, and how can I forget the chorus of OH MY GOD YES, YES, SHELDON, SHELDON, SHELDON!  Poor Bob, he left shell shocked, like a virgin in a prison rodeo, sad, sad, sad.” “I knew I should have poisoned you years ago. Well let’s look at your last few dates shall we? In the last few months you’ve gone out with a contortionist from Ringling Brothers, a former dominatrix who now designs costumes for show dogs and a Japanese grad student with a plaster fetish.  Will laughed “I am hurt by your vicious accusations, the woman I’m seeing now is amazing, and she’s a dancer who is getting her MBA from Columbia. We have a connection.  Zora cocked an eyebrow, “Where’d you meet her?”  Will smiled and almost blushed, “At Danny’s less is more party.”  Zora looked at her brother, “Be sure to have her pin down that economies of scale theory for you, I’ve always wondered about that.”  Will served up a chocolate cake, “A man has needs Zora!”  Zora popped a large bit into her mouth, “Yeah, me too.” 

BLOAP#18: Adultery stinks

Zora turned back to her paper and mentally apologized to her late mother but there was no way she was continuing a conversation with Mr. Married. “My name is Jesse, nice to meet you”, said the interloper sticking his hand out, not the hand with the ring of course, “Look, I don’t mean to be rude but, I would like to finish my paper.” Zora said, and with that she turned once more to her Arts and Leisure section.  “Wow, I’ve never been upstaged by the Arts and Leisure section before, Metro once, Sports section many times, and one cold cruel day by Science Tuesday, but never, ever by the Arts and Leisure section.  It’s enough to make a grown man weep”

Zora turned the page and hissed “First time for everything, cry me a river”.  “Is that what it would take to get you to look at me again”?  The shameless hussy asked.  Zora sighed the sigh of the damned and looked out of the window, damn it, they weren’t even near her stop yet.  What the hell was this bus running on, molasses?  She put her paper down  and turned to look into the deep deceitful eyes of her seatmate “Perhaps, you should concern yourself less with having me look at you, and more with having your wife look at you.  Should that prove to be too much for you, I do have the name of an excellent divorce attorney, for your wife of course.”

Jesse smiled “What if I told you she doesn’t understand me?” he said.  “Then neither will I” Zora ground out, “What if I tell you you’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”, “The day is young, I’m sure I won’t be”, The fiend laughed “What if I said I couldn’t live without you?”  Zora closed her eyes and prayed for a lightning strike, “Then why aren’t you dead yet?”  Jesse let out a huge whopping laugh and Zora couldn’t take it anymore, she pulled the cord and stood up.  Jesse looked at her, “This isn’t your stop,” he said with a wry grin.  “No, but neither are you” Zora tried to squeeze by him, but he wouldn’t move.  “Would you get out of my way?”  She damn near screamed.  “Let me buy you dinner” Jesse said.  Zora managed to push her way out “Buy your wife dinner” and with that she ran, like a shopaholic at a shoe sale, off of the bus.

Addie stared at Marjorie, she had to admit this sixth or was it seventh marriage seemed to have agreed with her.  Marjorie sat at a table enjoying the fawning attention of several gentlemen.  Addie shook her head, nothing ever changed with that woman, she was a heat seeking missile when it came to wealthy men.  Addie paid her check and stood up as Marjorie looked up and stared straight into Addie’s eyes.  Marjorie raised an eyebrow as Addie turned on her heel and walked out.

BLOAP#17 Sex and Sin

The very handsome bastard on the bus was still talking, “I’m originally from Franklin Lakes, have you ever heard of it?” Zora was now in a conundrum; to ignore him would be rude, something which her dear departed sainted social moth of a mother would turn in her grave over, but to continue would be an exercise in futidity, (futility and stupidity, one of Zora’s favorite made up words). 

Zora turned to face him and found herself gazing into the deepest pair of green eyes she had ever seen, she was going to have to have a chat with  God about placing her next to handsome unavailable men.  “Yes, I’ve heard of it, I had an old friend from Franklin Lakes.” she said.  The man smiled, and exhibited teeth that had to be capped, nobody outside of Kenya had teeth that perfect, “Old friend or old boyfriend?”  he asked.  Well that just took the cake, he was flirting with her, right her on the bus heading into downtown with hardly a dollop of shame. The insanely handsome married man was flirting with Zora.  It was indecent, it was immoral, someone that, that married having the nerve to flirt in public. He should be torn from limb to limb, He should have to walk through freshly laid tar in his beautiful bare feet, He should be beaten till he bled.  “Just an old friend.” Zora replied through clenched teeth.

BLOAP#16: Shock and Awe

James calmly reached over and put his hand over Addie’s, he looked her straight in the eyes and said “Honey, she’s not worth it” Addie didn’t budge, James looked at her again and grabbed the gun from her hand they struggled and there was a loud pop, Skye screamed and the office staff hit the floor.  James was laughing and Addie was shaking her head ruefully as a red gumball rolled around to the floor.  Skye ran over to James and patted him down, and then she looked at Addie “A gumball dispenser shaped like a damn gun, what the hell is wrong with you! Skye shrieked.  The office staff made a beeline for the conference room and the sound of pouring liquor was quickly heard.  James took Addie and Skye’s hand, “Into my office ladies, let’s get out of these wet clothes and into a dry martini.”

Out on the street Zora ran for the bus, she boarded, put in her dollar and managed to find a seat next to an extremely good looking man in a navy suit. Never being one to miss an opportunity, Zora pulled out her compact and by holding it at an angle by her side was able to view a wedding ring the width of the Mississippi on the man’s left hand.  Zora sighed and opened up her newspaper, the front cover of the paper was filled with dread, political infighting and more dread.  Zora pulled out the Arts and Leisure section and started to read.  “Are you from around here?” the handsome married, married, married man next to her asked.  Zora cocked her head in his direction “I was once upon a time”. She snapped.  “I’m from New Jersey originally,” the married male model wannabe said.  “Really, how nice for you” Zora cooed, she had no intention of engaging in conversation with this man.  Her life had only so much room in it for miscellaneous conversations with married men on public transport, now if he had been single… 

Addie closed her eyes and tried to keep the tears from running down her cheeks.  Skye patted her hand, “Honey, come on she’s not worth it.”  Addie opened her eyes and looked at her friends, they looked so concerned for her that she had to laugh, “Okay you two, don’t worry it was just the shock of hearing she was back in town.  I’m not going to kill her.”  James raised an eyebrow and said “Well Ads, you did try to mow her down in a parking lot a few years ago.”  Addie sat up straight, “James, the woman had just slept with my fiancée, what did you expect?  Anyway I didn’t hit her, so no harm no foul. Why is she here anyway, what rich sucker did she con into marrying her this time, and y’all why is there all this Asian stuff in your office?”  Skye and James looked around the office and sighed.

BLOAP#15: Murder, mayhem and martini's

Skye opened the door of her office and peeked outside, everything looked normal.  There was the usual controlled chaos but her staff was behaving strangely.  Therese, who normally could handle anything short of a full blown nuclear disaster, was drinking spring water instead of her normal acid based coffee.  Samson was walking instead of sprinting across the room and strangely enough some of the clients waiting to be seen were taking pictures, “Oh hell no!” Skye screamed.

Skye sprinted out of her office and shouted “James, red alert, red alert!”  James flew out of his office with a gun and they both ran down the stairs at breakneck speed.  The paparazzi tried to flee but with one press of a button Therese locked the doors.  James walked calmly to the paparazzi, holding his gun in his hand.  He explained to them how he was currently under treatment for a variety of mental illnesses and the only thing that calmed him down was fondling film, fresh from a camera.  The photogs grumbled, one tried to push James, but when James pushed the safety off of the gun, they all handed over their film and left.

Skye looked over at the rest of the staff and recognized the signs; facial ticks, lethargy, unexplained and uncontrollable weeping, they were deep in the throes of a Marjorie meltdown.  Skye and James looked at each other and nodded, James cleared his throat and said, “Okay people, let’s nip this in the bud, we’re off for a long weekend starting now, cocktails in the conference room, dinner is on us and tomorrow we want all of you to sleep late, have sex often and think of nothing all weekend except yourselves, but on Monday, you know the drill.”  There was barely a pause as a dozen people literally dropped what they were doing and ran to the conference room.  Skye and James started to follow them when the door burst open and Addie stalked in, grabbed James’s gun and held it to his chest.  The room became deathly quiet, Addie pushed James back until he fell into a chair. Skye”s mouth was open, Addie looked at James and Skye and said “I need to find the jackal.”

The man looked at the pictures of Marjorie in the orange sari and sighed.  He picked one up examined it under a magnifying glass, he shook his head and picked up another one and another one and another one.  With each picture he examined Marjorie like an insect under a microscope.  Finally he took one picture; he picked up a magic marker and methodically began marking over Marjorie’s face

BLOAP#14, Plaster of Paris

“So, you’re trying to tell me that the girl that you broke up with, the girl who cried that she loved you, the girl who swore she’d have nothing further to do with you was at your house last night taking a plaster cast of your penis!” Addie, Will’s friend asked as she looked at him. Will looked at her “Look baby, I don’t know how it happened, but she called after I came back from Atlanta and wanted to see me, and well one thing led to another.” 

Addie poured some wine in her glass and took a long swallow before speaking, “One thing led to another and she was putting plaster of paris on your penis?  How exactly does that come about sweetie?  Does she travel with small packets of plaster in case the need arises?”  Will unfolded himself off of the couch and walked over to his dining room table, which doubled as his coffee table, which did night duty as his workstation.  He pulled out some pictures and passed them to Addie, "What do you think?  Not bad huh?  It’s for a project for her grad degree, well after she went to so much trouble with the plaster and all, I couldn’t kick her out onto the street, and so like I said one thing led to another and…”.

Addie put her glass down, and picked up the pictures, she stared at each one and put them down on the table as she poured some more wine.  “Well, she certainly got your good side.”  Will laughed, “ I thought so too, oh damn Addie, what am I going to do, you know she’s going to be in love with me again, no matter what she says, and lord knows I can’t go through that again.”  Neither thought Addie could she, the last time Will was running from a lovestruck lunatic, he had spent two weeks in her apartment.  Her nerves and her Valium were shot.

“Speaking of crazy, have you seen Skye and James lately? I saw James the other day and he looked like he had a facial tic.  What’s going on with them?” Addie asked, Will looked at her “Haven’t you heard?” he queried.  Addie’s eyes became slits “Heard what.” Will looked at Addie, you never really knew how Addison was going to react at any given moment, it was that character trait which made her an extremely successful contract negotiator. Oh well, he thought, maybe she’s drunk enough “The jackal is back” he said.  Addie broke the stem of her glass and didn’t even flinch as the red wine splattered on her gorgeous white pants, “Good, I’m glad you’re over your hatred of her” Will laughed.

BLOAP#13: Shooting blanks

The man took his shot, packed his bag and cleared out of the room.  His client would be pleased with the quick results, he thought, might even get a bonus.  The man walked out of the building and into a waiting car, what a job this had been, really there had to be easier ways to make a living than stalking and shooting pictures of people.

Two weeks later Skye was asleep on a couch covered in Indian, Chinese and Thai silk .  Xavier, her cat was on her stomach, playing with some gold chandelier earrings. There was fabric on every available surface in the living room.  The dining room table had tons of Eastern cookbooks and knick knacks.  There were dozens of crates, there were incense burners and temple gongs and five separate statues of Buddha.  The doorbell buzzed loudly and Skye jumped up as Xavier dove under a pile of fabric.

The buzzer pealed again as Skye struggled to wipe the drool from her face.  “I’m coming dammitt” Skye said as she yanked the door open.  “Mother of Marjorie, what are you doing here?” she stammered as the Jackal waltzed into her living room trailing the scent of money, bitchiness and gardenia.  She was resplendent in a red silk sari with gold thread, her long hair was pulled back and her face was luminous and seemingly devoid of makeup.  Skye however knew better, she knew that the Jackal would no sooner leave her house without makeup as she would buy off the rack.  Several large men followed her into Skye’s apartment, each of them depositing an armload of packages, two trunks and what looked like a miniature version of the Taj Majal in the living room.

“Thank you gentlemen, same time tomorrow with the rest please.” The jackal said in that voice that was a cross between Lauren Bacall and Brenda Vaccaro.  She removed her head wrap and sat down on one of the crates in the lotus position.  “Darling, I’m so glad to see you’ve received a few of the things I’ve sent, I thought they might spur your creative juices   Skye sat down on the couch, “Any more spurring and I’ll be ready for the Preakness Marjorie.  Our office, our warehouse, James’s house and mine are all filled with a few of your ideas.  I thought you wanted a simple Indian inspired wedding?”  The Jackal spread her arms “Oh Skye, darling in India nothing is ever simple, the Dalai Lama says” Skye shook her head, “Marjorie, the Dalai Lama is a Tibetan Monk who could feed his entire country on the stuff in this living room alone!  Marjorie glared at Skye and then smiled “Darling, but of course I trust you and James implicitly, that’s why I sent all this, I thought it would help.  You’re so right, I’ll leave you to it, I’m sure it will be a fabulous affair, oh by the way will you be housing the Buddhist astrologer in your house or at the office?”  Oh we won’t regret this, promises promises, Skye thought as she dialed James.

BLOAP#12 Wedding Bell Curve

The woman, Marjorie walked into the bungalow at sunrise.  She sat down on the back balcony of the bungalow and crossed her legs, she adjusted the hood of her brilliant orange sari and bent her head.   Across from her a handsome young man twisted himself into the downward dog yoga pose, Marjorie copied his pose exactly.  For the next hour, the man and Marjorie went through more than two dozen hatha yoga poses.  Marjorie was sweating like a fat man on the subway in August.  Marjorie stood up, bowed to the young man and turned toward the bungalow, she unwrapped her sari and walked naked into the bungalow, the young man smiled and followed her.

Skye looked at James, “What the hell does she want?”  James sighed “Apparently she’s in India and has found enlightenment, yoga and a twenty seven year old massage therapist named Raj.  Her note said she wants a simple eastern themed affair for three hundred of her closest friends, and that we have carte blanche and she swears she won’t interfere.”  Skye put the check on the desk, “She’s lying.” she said.  James sighed, “She says she’s changed.”  Skye hit James on the head, “That woman is the devil, this ridiculously large check is Falstaffian proof and wait did you say she’s marrying a massage therapist?” James nodded.  “A massage therapist, not a sheik, not a titan of industry, not a Prince ?” Skye asked.  “That’s right, not just a massage therapist, a very good looking, extraordinarily talented and by all accounts poor as a temple mouse massage therapist” Skye shook her head, “Look honey, her fee alone would be half of what made all of last year, we could expand, we could hire more people, and we may have enough left to put something down on a small place in Tuscany, hmm” Skye shook my head, more slowly, “What about our other clients? When does Missy want this marriage of inconvenience to take place?”

The man stubbed out his cigarette and took a swig of his beer.  He’d been following the woman for several weeks, he’d seen some crazy things in his day, but this woman was right up there on his list of cojones busting witches.  This assignment would be a pleasure.  The man picked up his binoculars and spied the bright orange sari heading out of the bungalow, he put his binoculars down, leaned out of the window and took his shot.

BLOAP#11: Jackal-Lantern

Skye opened her eyes and stared at James, “That’s impossible, even for her it’s only, I mean it’s just a few” James pushed the drink up to my mouth and made me swallow, “It’s been ten months, two weeks, four days and five hours and yes it’s over, and yes she got an even larger settlement than last time.” James sighed.  “Is he dead?” Skye whispered  “No, but he is resting comfortably in a sanitarium, seems he’s suffering from dehydration, extreme exhaustion and needs round the clock therapy otherwise he starts weeping inconsolably and starts begging for his mother.”

Skye felt the hot prick of tears behind her eyes; this could not be happening she thought, not the jackal, not again.  The jackal was otherwise known as Marjorie Post Bienvenue Armstrong Kilpatrick de la Hoya.  A rare beauty , she admitted once to being alive during the Johnson administration.  Meredith had the face of a Boticelli angel, the figure of a supermodel and the intelligence of a think tank.  She possessed a personality which had been favorably compared to an asp.  Marjorie was a conniving socially prominent woman who was only happy when she was meeting her future wealthier husband.  Each divorce or untimely death had left her with a king’s ransom in real estate, stocks and jewels not to mention cold hard cash.  It was rumored that she had accounts in the Caymans, Lichtenstein and Mozambique  She detested the Swiss.

Until they worked with her, Marjorie had been an enjoyable topic of conversation.  The problem was that Marjorie had a tongue like a viper.  Her second husband spent six months in a rubber room after one of her stunts. Marjorie told the assembled crowd at a political benefit that her husband was living proof of the power of perseverance, look at all he’d achieved despite having a third nipple and only one testicle. Mrs. De la Hoya was the bane of every person in the service industry from Paris to Pittsburgh to Peking, her homes had revolving doors through which passed a succession of maids, butlers, hairdressers, cooks and others.  We Do had organized her last two mergers, well marriages and after each one James and Skye had to give the office staff a week’s paid vacation and several sessions with a post traumatic stress therapist.

Skye drained her glass and placed it on the desk, “Tell her we’re booked, tell her we’re closed, tell her we’re going into the priesthood.” she stammered. James shook his head, “We can’t, she already knows that we’re still in business and you know how much publicity we get from her weddings.” He said.  “Forget publicity, have you forgotten that at my last wedding SHE MADE you fly to Lithuania to buy that lace made by blind nuns for her veil.  Did you forget that after you traveled by mule train to get it, she decided at the last minute to wear a hat that was in her closet!  Has it slipped your mind, how the mule kicked you off and you, you Mr. Fastidious rode for three hours covered in mud on the back of a smelly mule and you want us to do it again!” Skye screeched. James shuddered “I remember, I also remember how she showed up at your house at four in the morning after a disastrous dermabrasion session and begged for help, she wasn’t so bad then.” he pleaded. 

Skye opened the second bottle, “Begged, please put down the crack pipe James!  She screamed like a banshee that she would sue us, the spa and the city for licensing a hack.  She said she knew people who for the price of a good dinner would have the esthetician whacked.  She drank two bottles of my champagne while I woke up every plastic surgeon and makeup artist within a thousand miles.” “She’s a lunatic” James agreed.  “She broke my Lalique vase” Skye said, “She burned a hole in my Saville Row jacket” James countered, “She made Therese cry” she added, “She made Samson cry” James countered, “She made our therapist cry” they said in unison.  Skye leaned back, “Okay it’s settled, we’re not doing this wedding.” James pulled a check out of his desk and dropped it on Skye’s lap, “That’s just the deposit” Hot tears started to roll down Skye’s face, “Damn, damn, damn”

BLOAP#10 Champagne wishs and Caviar Nightmares

The woman walked through the airport purposefully, she was dressed completely in black except for the scarlet heels on her feet.  She walked to the end of the airport hallway turned left and walked down a deserted jet way onto a private plane.  She sank down gratefully into an oversized leather chair and did not look at the attendant who poured her a glass of champagne.  As the plane taxied down the runway, she looked with pity at the hoards of commercial airlines.  She wondered how people could stand to fly commercial these days, honestly it was bad enough that you couldn’t bring your own champagne on a flight but no liquids at all, criminal, simply criminal.  She leaned back in the chair and closed her eyes, she remembered a song her mother loved “I tell ya honey, life would be sunny with plenty of money and you.”  Well, she thought, one out of two ain’t bad.

SKYE walked into the lobby of We Do and wished she were back in bed .  The lobby was chaos; there were three racks of bridal gowns flanking Therese, the receptionist and Samson, her assistant was briskly walking up the stairs with a phone attached to each ear, clients were milling about and a delivery man was trying to flirt with Therese, while she signed for a package, answered the phones and sipped her ever present cup of coffee. Skye started to back toward the door, “Stop her” James shouted.

Without missing a beat Therese put a well manicured hand around Skye’s arm and yanked her down onto a nearby chair. James stalked up to her “Don’t even think about it, what did you buy?” James hissed, “Nothing” Skye snapped, “Honestly, I am a grown woman, and I do not need to be interrogated by the damn shopping Gestapo, especially when I’m innocent!” James prodded Skye up the stairs, plucking messages and a garish hat from Therese’s outstretched hand.  “I called Fleming, he said he hadn’t seen you in days, so I know he’s lying and well clearly you’re lying, so out with it.” James said as they hiked up the stairs. Samson, heading down the stairs, stopped to kiss Skye, “Morning gorgeous, messages on your desk, Milan on line one and I love the shoes!” Samson shouted as he descended.  Skye winced.

James led Skye into his office, “Darling I believe we have a pamphlet here for you, it’s called How to stop using the corporate card for personal use!” He shut his door and Skye sank down onto his uncomfortable Italian sofa, while James examined the shoes and smiled “So, what becomes of the broken hearted shoes?” he asked.  Skye sighed, “Look I’ll pay for them when the bill comes, even though you know damn well that being properly shod is tantamount to the success of this agency.  I mean how many Kenzo shirts and Calvin Klein suits do you have?”  “I don’t charge my clothes on the corporate card” James huffed, “I don’t charge my clothes on the corporate card” Skye mimicked, “You never really care what I charge, what else is going on?” I asked.

James walked to a chrome file cabinet and opened the middle drawer; He took out a tray of chocolate covered strawberries  and a bottle of scotch and sat down next to Skye on the couch.  Skye’s heart was racing; this was the emergency ritual, used in case of nuclear attack or worse.  James poured two large scotches and handed one to Skye, he took a huge swig from his and said “The jackal is back.”

Skye passed out.

Who is the jackal?

Has Skye cracked her head on the chrome?

Where is the woman on the plane headed?

Tune in to TaupeOpera on Monday to find out, but check out episodes for last week's adventures in TaupeLand!